Chain Pub Guide

Which Chain Pub is right for you? Click on any of the statements below to reveal the ideal Chain Pub for your big night out:

1. You only ever wear a short-sleeved shirt on Friday nights, even when there's 3 feet of snow on the ground and polar bears are roaming the Thames.

2. You have a moustache, read digital camera magazines and built your own MP3 player out of spare parts.

3. Shoes with less than 3" heels are only for men. Skirts must go no lower than mid-thigh. Jeans should be low-cut, showing off the thong worn underneath.

4. You don't want to die of lung cancer

5. You can't afford the prices in the local Wetherspoons

6. You have absolutely no conversational powers but do have a nice haircut. You need REALLY LOUD music to disguise the void that is your personality

7. You work in New Media and need to chill after another stressful day playing table football.

8. Marilyn Manson is, like, sooo crazy and Nine Inch Nails were just so far ahead of their time.

9. You need pizza and DJ grooves.

10. You're so wacky that you're probably a student.

11. You like sitting on a mezzanine in an ex-bank, accompanied by everyone from work. You're all wearing suits.

12. You're going for a drink with Pauline from accounts. It's the most exciting thing that will happen all week.

13. The Levellers are still the greatest band ever, although you were a bit sad when Back to the Planet split up. Your dog is on the end of some string.

14. You are an accountant. You have begun to throw dinner parties but are worried that you are rather inferior to some of the guests. Even though you've tried, you don't really like (or even understand) Mozart's operas or Miles Davis's On The Corner, and you would rather listen to Meatloaf. You did enjoy the Titian exhibition at the National Gallery, though.

15. You and your 10 rugby friends are coming into town from Berkshire to watch England vs France. Afterwards, you'd like a drink in the Big Smoke. As everybody knows, London only consists of four places: Waterloo, Trafalgar Square, Oxford Street and Covent Garden. Where are you going to find a pub in which you can drink 1000 pints of lager and shout a lot in sweaty, close, masculine bonhomie?

16. Like, what is this ale and bitter stuff anyway?

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